sipping coffee, watching the clock

trying to study for my boards. my stomach is in shambles. i watch the clock, nervous. i am waiting for a phone call. mom and dad are at the doctors. finally after two weeks of sitting around and waiting, we are able to see an oncologist. two today: a surgical and a medical. i am praying that she is a candidate for surgery. can i say it anymore? i am SO baffled. this makes no sense. her cancer was not in her lymph nodes. she just finished chemo 9 months ago. this is not supposed to happen. i pray that she has enough of her liver that is not affected. i pray that the doctor can do something to remove the lesions. i pray that there is a new kind of chemo drug that can be used to heal her. i believe God can heal miraculously or through the use of medicine and i am praying today that He will simply heal, by whatever means he chooses. still nervous. my legs jump up and down. i really need to study, i did take a week off of practice questions. i cannot concentrate. waiting is the worst. i pray for good news. in the name of Jesus, i pray that the doctors would be confident and wise. i pray they would give reassurance. i pray they would not be pessimistic or negative. i pray for a solution, for a treatment. i pray that my mom would feel peace, comfort and hope. i pray God that you would provide her with hope today and that you would be glorified when good news is delivered. Jesus remove Satan from my mind, my family, my mother and her body. i beg, and i pray because you are God and because of your character that my mother would be healed. today, tomorrow, in a few months, even a year. i simply pray that your healing would take place in her body.

torn.

listening to the music. worship music. i try to connect with the words. i wish they would resonate with me, i mean truly resonate so that i believed them. and i do, but at the same time i don't. i believe that God is in control and that it is all going to be okay but i am so terrified. i cannot lose my mom. she has to be there when i have my children and when they grow up. i need her. i would miss her so terribly. i simply can't do it. a friend, even a lover can be replaced. one's own mother can never be replaced. i don't understand any of it. can i say it over and over? she just finished chemo, it was never in her lymph nodes, it was stage 1. now all of a sudden it is invading her liver. it does not make sense. it is all a nightmare. cancer is a bitch; a dirty, dirty thing. i am trying to cling to God's promise that he will take care of me. His eye is on the sparrow afterall. i am reminded to look at the birds of the air, for even they have a place to sleep and food to eat. and i am attempting to believe with my heart that God has this under control...sometimes i question Him though. who am i to question him? who am i too question that God who made me, the one who loves me and better yet, knows my heart and loves me anyway? who am i to question? i am a daughter. a young daughter who does not deserve to loose her mother. so i try to cling to his promise and also to his character. our God is a healer. so i believe and i pray and plead daily for his healing to take place. but back in my mind there is some doubt, so i know my faith isn't fully alive if i am, in fact, in doubt. i cannot figure out where to draw the line between a faith that can move a mountain and a false hope. [digression: my head aches, i am weak, i think i am experiencing sympathy pains]. i am torn. torn between to very different outcomes. i am hoping for the better and trying with everything that i am to really believe that the better, and the best, is yet to come. God: i am so scared. i am so sad. my heart is in pieces and i need it to be mended. please hear me. i love you. yours, leigha

the news.

the news.

my breath torn from my chest. ripped.
my heart follows. then drops to the floor.
weak knees bring me to the ground.
no place to go. but straight to the ground.
flaccid.
immovable.
the words. echo.
again. and again. and again.
the panic sets in.
the fear engulfs.
still fighting for my breath.
the fear wins. i cannot hold on.
i struggle to recapture my heart.
my hands slip, it too is lost.
i struggle to regain myself.
i, though, have lost.
i am lost.

all that i can say

and didn't You see me cry'n?
and didn't You hear me call Your name?
wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
i wish You'd remember
where you sat it down

.david crowder.

thundering peace.

the rain falls hard, the thunder loud. something about the power of a thunderstorm is soothing. perhaps a reminder of how small i truly am. my brother and dad arrived late into the night last night. it is good to have the family back together, i just wish it wasn't under these circumstances. my brother will be home for the summer. moving into a place where he knows no one. i pray he finds a good job soon and that he can connect with some guys. i pray he finds friends who differ from those he normally interacts with.

this afternoon, in the costco waiting line i was skimming through a few new text messages. i accidentally went too far til i reached the oldest message on my phone. one from my mom before i left for guatemala, "i love you and will miss talking to you." yes, its true, my mom and i would talk almost everyday while i was in college. [call me a mamma's girl. go on, do it.] as i read the message i couldn't help the tears. the worst is when it hits you in a public place. you look around and watch the surrounding bodies. no one notices you. you wonder what barrier people are facing in their own lives.

is anybody feeling the pain and fear that i am? or are people merely concerned with what their outfit is going to be for this evening's cocktail party?

peace.

The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught.
Jesus

Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

bleep.

being a lover of Jesus, and one who is not a cusser, all i can seem to think to say now is "fuck".

what do you do when your mom is diagnosed with advanced metastatic breast cancer in her liver? this is shit.

the funny, or should i say unfunny, thing about it all is that it this was not supposed to be. diagnosed a year ago with breast cancer it was stage 1, not in the lymph nodes, estrogen postive, HR negative, aka the best type to have. she even had chemo to prevent anything from spreading. she just finished chemo 9 months ago, this is not supposed to happen. i am, at the least, terrified. i cannot lose her. this is not a mother who has been distant in my life. she is my mom and a best friend.

this is not intended for anyone to read, if you stumble across, peace to you. prayers are glady accepted.


so what do you do in the midst of hostility when all you want is to know it is going to be ok?