torn.

listening to the music. worship music. i try to connect with the words. i wish they would resonate with me, i mean truly resonate so that i believed them. and i do, but at the same time i don't. i believe that God is in control and that it is all going to be okay but i am so terrified. i cannot lose my mom. she has to be there when i have my children and when they grow up. i need her. i would miss her so terribly. i simply can't do it. a friend, even a lover can be replaced. one's own mother can never be replaced. i don't understand any of it. can i say it over and over? she just finished chemo, it was never in her lymph nodes, it was stage 1. now all of a sudden it is invading her liver. it does not make sense. it is all a nightmare. cancer is a bitch; a dirty, dirty thing. i am trying to cling to God's promise that he will take care of me. His eye is on the sparrow afterall. i am reminded to look at the birds of the air, for even they have a place to sleep and food to eat. and i am attempting to believe with my heart that God has this under control...sometimes i question Him though. who am i to question him? who am i too question that God who made me, the one who loves me and better yet, knows my heart and loves me anyway? who am i to question? i am a daughter. a young daughter who does not deserve to loose her mother. so i try to cling to his promise and also to his character. our God is a healer. so i believe and i pray and plead daily for his healing to take place. but back in my mind there is some doubt, so i know my faith isn't fully alive if i am, in fact, in doubt. i cannot figure out where to draw the line between a faith that can move a mountain and a false hope. [digression: my head aches, i am weak, i think i am experiencing sympathy pains]. i am torn. torn between to very different outcomes. i am hoping for the better and trying with everything that i am to really believe that the better, and the best, is yet to come. God: i am so scared. i am so sad. my heart is in pieces and i need it to be mended. please hear me. i love you. yours, leigha